Tobacco Powered Car Smokes Competition

Researchers at North Carolina State University this week unveiled the first tobacco powered car. Acting Professor of Advanced Scientific Agriculture Random Hudson and his students have nicknamed the prototype "Puffy" and say the car is ready for mass production as soon as it gets federal approval.

The team developed a smooth, low tar, slow burning blend of American tobacco perfect for use in any gas powered vehicle. "The Russians have been working on this technology for years, but they can't grow the quality of tobacco we can here in North Carolina," says Prof. Hudson. "This is green, renewable energy at it's finest. The result of this will create jobs in the agriculture, manufacturing, retail and medical industries. It's the perfect solution for stimulating the economy.

GM owns the rights to produce the car in conjunction with tobacco giant Phillip-Morris, and this may be just the thing to pull GM from bankruptcy. "We need to get America fired up and addicted to driving again." said one high ranking GM senator. He also pointed out that cigarettes are already available at gas stations, eliminating the need for pork-barrel spending on trivial things like "infrastructure."

The four-door sedan can easily accommodate a family of five, complete with driver and passenger air bags, oxygen masks and built-in child safety seat. The team is working on designs for an SUV, a van and a tobacco/marijuana hybrid flying saucer.

University medical officials admit that "cancer could be a problem for cancer-prone drivers, so make sure you are buying from a reputable dealer."

In other agriculture news, Prof. Hudson's team has put the wood-fired car on the back burner for the time being. "No matter how many times we try," he says, "the chimney just creates too much drag."

Clemson University has invented the first gas to electric vehicle, which converts unleaded gasoline purchased from any gas station into energy-saving, environmentally friendly electricity.

Is that a Hummer in your pocket or...

Every night the evening news is force feeding frugality to the American people. Consignment shops, thrift stores and yard sales are the new shopping “destinations” of the middle class. Saturday morning shopping sprees in upper-end stores like Wal-Mart, Kmart and Big Lots are becoming a thing of the past. Unless, of course; you have coupons.

“I only shop on triple coupon Wednesday,” the very hyperactive lady with the twitchy right eye tells Katie Couric on the CBS Evening News. “I can feed a family of six, four dogs, a cat and an illegal turtle my son bought at the flea market for 84 cents a week.”

On CNN Anderson Cooper goes undercover at a local barber college: “Is this haircut really worth four dollars. We’re keeping them honest, tonight on 360”

Not to be outdone by the big boys, local news has gotten in on the act as well.

- “Save money on this year's vacation by hitch-hiking. We’ll tell how to do it safely at five.”
- “Coming up at five-thirty: Do you really need ice? Lukewarm is the new chilly.”
- “Tonight at six: Save even more by buying Chinese designed products.”

Where in the hell do they make Chinese “designed” products?

Bits of information have been trickling out from country clubs, sit-down restaurants and walk-in theaters and it seems the wealthy may be suffering as well.

"I blame the poor." says one high-ranking anonymous business executive. "We give them so much, like Buy Here/Pay Here car lots, off-brand cigarettes, lottery tickets, not to mention the Dollar Menu."

Current reports seem to indicate the worries of the rich are unfounded. Apparently, the poor are continuing the age old tradition of shitting in one hand and wishing in the other.

Scaring people who have jobs into not spending money is not good for the economy. Maybe something like this would have a more positive affect. Who could resist this teaser from Headline News’ Robin Meade?

“Coming up next on Morning Express, a new study may prove buying American cars enhances penis size.”

You’re welcome, GM.

Looking Beyond Uranus

Successful business entrepreneur thinks universally, acts locally

North Carolina’s soaring unemployment rate may get a little help later this year from little green men, pod people or whatever else may be up there.

“The truth is out there” says Jimmy Fred Hudson, founder and CEO of the Upper Cleveland County Alien Space Search Center, “well, up there really and we aim to find it.”

Located atop Carpenter’s Knob, the highest point in rural Cleveland County, the ASS Center is often filled by exited young interns hungering for new experiences. Human/Alien Resource Manager Awesome Hudson has been impressed with the quality of the interns. “They do a good job. Most of them volunteered, but we had to promise free candy to a few and a couple think they’re here to help look for my puppy.”

Jimmy Fred Hudson is also the owner of Jimmy Fred Hudson’s Organic Brown Eggs, the county’s 163rd largest employer. He had hoped to use the business model of the egg plant, which employs only illegal Mexican immigrants. Hudson said he doesn’t speak Spanish and feels that aliens don’t either which brought about the change in hiring policy.

He says the center hopes to hire as many as five employees by year’s end. “We’ll need a couple to work the telescope, one IT guy to send emails into space, a janitor and somebody to run the canteen. We’ll also need a temp in winter to sweep the snow off the satellite dish.”

There are future plans for more earthbound ventures, including a museum dedicated to history of “Knobby,” a Bigfoot type creature often spotted in the area. Also in the works are black panther safaris, led by Jimmy’s son Random Hudson, who said, “North Carolina is second to Indiana in black panther sightings and we want to be number one. Plus, it’ll be fun for kids.

Top ten reasons I didn’t vote for John McCain

10. New CBS Fall Shows Matlock, Barnaby Jones, Mannix, and of course, “McCain”
McCain even looks like my grandfather, and this is what I had to watch as a child. Seniors love to watch other seniors on television. That’s why Tom Brokaw is allowed to live.

9. Can you say “Cactus Christmas Tree?”
It would like a surreal Corona commercial. Lighted cactus in the White House, drunk white people singing along with Toby Keith’s version of “All White Christmas” and McCain trying desperately to get his little arms to reach that page’s ass.

8. Would create cabinet post for AARP
The nation’s most powerful lobbying group would move to the big house. All electronic devices – except pacemakers –would be outlawed and burned. Why does always involve burning? Oh yeah...smashing is bad for arthritis and someone could fall and break a hip.

7. Might crash Air Force One too
Sorry, but this one is fact-based. It was McCain’s fifth jet crash that got him into that POW camp. At least that’s what the “one” anti-McCain e-mail I received during the campaign said.

6. New reality series, “Survivor – Iraq”
Suit up Jeff Probst, you just got drafted. The new show takes 30 American civilians and drops them outside the Green Zone in downtown Baghdad. Everyone who survives gets a two-year tour of duty, but the winner gets to go in as a lieutenant. This show is sponsored by the NRA the American Orthotic & Prosthetic Association and the National Association of High School Guidance Counselors.

5. In order to finally stop the Road Runner, would award defense contract to Acme
We all know what happens to people who spend too much time in the desert. John E. McCain – Super Genius and world-renowned chaser of Road Runner tail will no longer be thwarted in his quest. THIS JUST IN: Dick Cheney is now Chairman of the Board at Acme, Inc.

4. Cost of upkeep on robot wife
The “Cindy” model from the original Stepford Wives Collection is a classic, but the wear and tear is showing on this one. The finest German engineers will be called in to do the upgrade, which includes strategically placed Japanese motors (you’ll barely know she’s running) and a flip-top head (now with flesh-colored zipper) for solar recharging. All humanitarian aid to foreign countries will be cut immediately to pay for Cindy’s “makeover.”

3. Might mistake “the button” for “easy button”
I’ll go back to Hillary’s 3 a.m. campaign ad for this one. McCain could possibly push anything if someone woke him up at 3 a.m., and old people are easily influenced by television. Had he won, the White House Secret Service detail had already receieved a list of things McCain was not allowed to watch, including; “War of the Worlds”, “Red Dawn” “Armageddon” and “Harvey.”

2. Sarah Palin
The hottest of mavericks is banished once again to the frigid Alaskan tundra. C’mon GOP. 2012! 2012! At least let her run for president of the NRA. Can you imagine the increase in “pump” shotgun sales?

1. BARACK OBAMA!!!

How Kay Hagan Stole Christmas

Kay Hagan has a secret door in the back of my dryer which she uses to steal my socks. I know a lot of us share this problem. Now she's trying to steal this election from Elizabeth Dole. Thanks to Sen. Dole we now know who’s behind not only mass sock disappearances, but all of the things that interrupt our otherwise perfect lives.

Ever walk out on Sunday morning to find that your paper didn’t arrive? Stop blaming the carrier or your neighbor’s dog. It’s Kay Hagan.

Lose your keys? Your glasses? Kay Hagan.

Kids didn’t do their homework? Wrong. Kay Hagan ate their homework.

Are you elderly? Suspect stolen youth? Can’t remember if you took your pills? Kay Hagan’s feeling pretty good right now.

Who will be the godmother of Bev Perdue and Pat McCroy’s Libertarian love-child? Everybody now! Kay Hagan!

George W. Bush may not be able to balance a checkbook and John McCain may be a lousy pilot, but neither of them ever siphoned gas out my SUV, leaving me stranded on my way to deliver Christmas gifts at the orphanage. But Kay Hagan has. Sorry, Cindy Lou, Kay Hagan doesn’t believe in Santa Claus.

So as you stand in that long, long line at the polls, remember that Sen. Dole has given you someone to blame. Personally, I appreciate that. It takes a lot of pressure off me. Thank you, Liddy, for giving me someone to blame....and someone to vote for. Kay Hagan.

Haney Wilkie Memorial Service

Haney Wilkie, the much loved and admired musician will finally have his spirit laid to rest in a Memorial service this Saturday in the abandoned Mica mine near the family compound in Eastern Alabama.

The iconic songwriter and prolific electric kazoo player has been missing and presumed dead by most of the known world for the past 36 years. The circumstances surrounding his death have led to numerous sightings and conspiracy theories over the years.

Haney had agreed in principle to perform his classic kazoo version of the “Star-Spangled Banner” at the 1972 Republican National Convention. The song had become an international sensation after he first performed it at the Woodstock, Ga World Stump-Burning competition in 1969.

After actually meeting Richard Nixon in person, Haney walked out of the Miami Beach Convention Center and joined the Vietnam War protestors in the street. The crowd began to chant, “Hell no, he won’t blow!” and were quickly dispersed with tear gas. All that is known for sure is that Haney left with “someone” and was never seen again.

Haney’s common-law wife, Honey, says she can no longer sense his presence and has conceded to have the memorial.

Honey Wilkie is the mother of Haney’s first-born son, Herbert, and the step-mother to the other 17 Wilkie children.

A short service will be held at the Cottonwood Freewill Unitarian Church, 1964 State Line Road in Cottonwood, Ala. The Reverend Elrod “Bud” Hubbard will preside. Special music will be provided by the Haney Wilkie Orchestra, a trio of Wilkie cousins, who play music written or inspired by the memory of Haney Wilkie and some Skynyrd.

After a short walk to the mine the event will conclude when Haney’s spirit, in the form of his only known remaining kazoo, is thrown into the abyss.

In lieu of flowers, the family asks that cash donations be made to the Haney Wilkie Orchestra to help fund their documentary film project.

Breakfast in the Rose Garden

I sat down the other morning with a cup of coffee and a bowl of heart-healthy, cholesterol-lowering breakfast cereal.

I picked up the remote and began my morning surfing ritual. Cartoons are always good, but I had seen this episode of Spongebob, there was also an episode of Andy Griffth, but it was in color, and I just couldn't get into "The Stamp Collection of Young Adolf Hitler" on the History Channel.

I thought for just a moment of going outside and having breakfast on the deck. It was a beautiful fall morning, birds were singing and squirrels scampered playfully among the trees. Thank God for CNN, trusty friend and enabler of television addicts everywhere 24 hours a day.

President Bush was in the Rose Garden telling me that the economy was in crisis, but that "we" would get through it in time. I guess early retirement will have to wait. As I listened to him I began to sense that something wasn't quite right. Was he sick? Worried about the economy? Constipated? No, none of these seemed to fit.

It was at this moment I had an epiphany, a zen-like awakening somewhere deep inside the core of my very being. George W. Bush, the 43rd President of the United States of America, our Commander-in-Chief, the leader of the freaking free world... did not give a damn. Not one damn. Not one single iota of a damn. He was phoning in the worst economic disaster since the Great Depression.
This just in sports fans: Dubya is just riding the clock until January.

No, I told myself, this cannot be. I rushed to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. "Oh my God!, I screamed, “I am George W.Bush”. For the first time I understood the man. For the first time I found a way to relate to him. Here he was, probably having breakfast - just like me - then the stock market somehow rapidly accelerates downwards and he has to take time out his day to talk to the American people.

I feel you, Mr. President. There are people I don't like to talk to and many of them are also American people. I have been looking at your presidency selfishly for all these years - expecting more from you than I would from myself. Not anymore. We have found our common ground. Let us recline upon it.

We are the same in so many ways. You've got this super cool house with an oval office - I've got a computer in the closet beside the washer and dryer. You've got a war room - I invaded Normandy just last night on PlayStation 2. But you are also surrounded by the liberal media who constantly try and make you feel obligated to make some sort of “statement” on the “economy” or “Iraq” or even “gas prices”, and then have to tolerate these holier-than-thou reporters asking you stupid questions. I hate it when people ask me stupid questions like, “How could you forget to pick up your own son at soccer practice?” or “Does this garbage can have an exit strategy?” Again, I feel you my brother.

I was so inspired by this experience that I called into work. "I won't be in today, but I've scheduled a Monday press conference for 9:30 by the water cooler where I'll gladly answer any questions regarding my absence."

So the next time you wake up and realize that you just don't care, exercise this presidential-inspired right as an American and take a Dubya day.

The Russians are Coming

This is a communication I received from my long-time friend Jimmy Fred Hudson of Caser, North Carolina.
Dear Kev,
Word has reached the Knob that our worst childhood fears have come to pass. Look what you "intellectuals" in the liberal media have caused now. Those godless Russian bastards have invaded Georgia. I always knew it was our weak point. Just Sherman's March backwards is all. Straight up the river from Savannah and before you know it they'll be playing Tchaikovsky instead of the Star-Spangled Banner at the Braves game. At least we won't lose many Americans in this battle of Atlanta and as far I know there haven't been any southerners there for years. I think me and Ricky and Billy and Donnie and Frankie and Pete (yeah, they let him out) are gonna ride down there to see if we can provide some assistance. We're all ready loaded for bear and the Preacher said we can go by the church and get some additional weaponry from the Charlton Heston (God rest his soul) Memorial gun cabinet so I may have the privilege of having my gun pried from my cold, dead hand. We were given almost unanimous approval by the Upper Cleveland County Homeland Security Association. Only Miss Edna voted against it, but she thinks we're going to Shelby to kill George's Russian Wolfhound, bless her heart. We're gonna stop by the Beacon on the way down and have one last chili-cheeseburger a-plenty (hopefully it won't kick-start Donnie's pacemaker this time) and if we do happen to retake Atlanta, I'll bring you back a Varsity hot dog and a frosted orange.

Your friend and protector of America,
Jimmy Fred Hudson
P.S. Earlene says hey.
P.S.S. Don't call Earlene while I'm gone.
Maybe I could stop this but I would hate to interfere with a bunch of bubbas hell-bent for a road trip. They'll have more fun comparing gas prices on the way to Atlanta than they would actually fighting the Russians.

Good Fences Make Good Neighbors?

The speaker in Robert Frost’s “Mending Wall said “Something there is that doesn’t love a wall.” While his neighbor in the poem is emphatic that, “Good fences make good neighbors.”

I wonder what they would have thought if someone told them the fence would be 700 miles long and cost $1.2 billion to build. That’s what our government would like to build along 1/3 of the U.S. - Mexico border. A matter of national security (stops terrorists from picking our apples), of course, that will save the country billions of dollars (or $5 million-bazillion pesos) in education, health care and public safety.

56 percent of all Americans support the building of the fence, while only 31 percent are against it. It makes me wonder how many of this majority would be willing to do the jobs done by our illegal immigrants.

What? Ours? Americans may be using illegal immigrant labor? Say it ain’t so, Jose?

Uno momento por favor, I need to step outside and tell the upper-middle class, white, college-educated gentleman picking my tomatoes that he is no longer needed, but I will tell him that I hear there may be some work down South Carolina way and that his wife can join him after my kids start back to school. He may even protest in his eloquently spoken native tongue, but I’ll toss him a cold micro-brew, a Cuban cigar and wish him the best of luck. Republican migrants – can’t live with ‘em, can’t turn a profit without ‘em.

“Something there is that doesn’t love a wall.” That something should be the United States of America. A country built and defended by immigrants. Why don’t we just forget the stupid fence and put up a new Statue of Liberty on the banks of the Rio Grande with the same greeting from Ellis Island written in plain English:

“Deme su cansado, su pobre,

Sus masa apiñadas que anhelan para respirar libre…