How Kay Hagan Stole Christmas

Kay Hagan has a secret door in the back of my dryer which she uses to steal my socks. I know a lot of us share this problem. Now she's trying to steal this election from Elizabeth Dole. Thanks to Sen. Dole we now know who’s behind not only mass sock disappearances, but all of the things that interrupt our otherwise perfect lives.

Ever walk out on Sunday morning to find that your paper didn’t arrive? Stop blaming the carrier or your neighbor’s dog. It’s Kay Hagan.

Lose your keys? Your glasses? Kay Hagan.

Kids didn’t do their homework? Wrong. Kay Hagan ate their homework.

Are you elderly? Suspect stolen youth? Can’t remember if you took your pills? Kay Hagan’s feeling pretty good right now.

Who will be the godmother of Bev Perdue and Pat McCroy’s Libertarian love-child? Everybody now! Kay Hagan!

George W. Bush may not be able to balance a checkbook and John McCain may be a lousy pilot, but neither of them ever siphoned gas out my SUV, leaving me stranded on my way to deliver Christmas gifts at the orphanage. But Kay Hagan has. Sorry, Cindy Lou, Kay Hagan doesn’t believe in Santa Claus.

So as you stand in that long, long line at the polls, remember that Sen. Dole has given you someone to blame. Personally, I appreciate that. It takes a lot of pressure off me. Thank you, Liddy, for giving me someone to blame....and someone to vote for. Kay Hagan.