Tobacco Powered Car Smokes Competition

Researchers at North Carolina State University this week unveiled the first tobacco powered car. Acting Professor of Advanced Scientific Agriculture Random Hudson and his students have nicknamed the prototype "Puffy" and say the car is ready for mass production as soon as it gets federal approval.

The team developed a smooth, low tar, slow burning blend of American tobacco perfect for use in any gas powered vehicle. "The Russians have been working on this technology for years, but they can't grow the quality of tobacco we can here in North Carolina," says Prof. Hudson. "This is green, renewable energy at it's finest. The result of this will create jobs in the agriculture, manufacturing, retail and medical industries. It's the perfect solution for stimulating the economy.

GM owns the rights to produce the car in conjunction with tobacco giant Phillip-Morris, and this may be just the thing to pull GM from bankruptcy. "We need to get America fired up and addicted to driving again." said one high ranking GM senator. He also pointed out that cigarettes are already available at gas stations, eliminating the need for pork-barrel spending on trivial things like "infrastructure."

The four-door sedan can easily accommodate a family of five, complete with driver and passenger air bags, oxygen masks and built-in child safety seat. The team is working on designs for an SUV, a van and a tobacco/marijuana hybrid flying saucer.

University medical officials admit that "cancer could be a problem for cancer-prone drivers, so make sure you are buying from a reputable dealer."

In other agriculture news, Prof. Hudson's team has put the wood-fired car on the back burner for the time being. "No matter how many times we try," he says, "the chimney just creates too much drag."

Clemson University has invented the first gas to electric vehicle, which converts unleaded gasoline purchased from any gas station into energy-saving, environmentally friendly electricity.

Is that a Hummer in your pocket or...

Every night the evening news is force feeding frugality to the American people. Consignment shops, thrift stores and yard sales are the new shopping “destinations” of the middle class. Saturday morning shopping sprees in upper-end stores like Wal-Mart, Kmart and Big Lots are becoming a thing of the past. Unless, of course; you have coupons.

“I only shop on triple coupon Wednesday,” the very hyperactive lady with the twitchy right eye tells Katie Couric on the CBS Evening News. “I can feed a family of six, four dogs, a cat and an illegal turtle my son bought at the flea market for 84 cents a week.”

On CNN Anderson Cooper goes undercover at a local barber college: “Is this haircut really worth four dollars. We’re keeping them honest, tonight on 360”

Not to be outdone by the big boys, local news has gotten in on the act as well.

- “Save money on this year's vacation by hitch-hiking. We’ll tell how to do it safely at five.”
- “Coming up at five-thirty: Do you really need ice? Lukewarm is the new chilly.”
- “Tonight at six: Save even more by buying Chinese designed products.”

Where in the hell do they make Chinese “designed” products?

Bits of information have been trickling out from country clubs, sit-down restaurants and walk-in theaters and it seems the wealthy may be suffering as well.

"I blame the poor." says one high-ranking anonymous business executive. "We give them so much, like Buy Here/Pay Here car lots, off-brand cigarettes, lottery tickets, not to mention the Dollar Menu."

Current reports seem to indicate the worries of the rich are unfounded. Apparently, the poor are continuing the age old tradition of shitting in one hand and wishing in the other.

Scaring people who have jobs into not spending money is not good for the economy. Maybe something like this would have a more positive affect. Who could resist this teaser from Headline News’ Robin Meade?

“Coming up next on Morning Express, a new study may prove buying American cars enhances penis size.”

You’re welcome, GM.

Looking Beyond Uranus

Successful business entrepreneur thinks universally, acts locally

North Carolina’s soaring unemployment rate may get a little help later this year from little green men, pod people or whatever else may be up there.

“The truth is out there” says Jimmy Fred Hudson, founder and CEO of the Upper Cleveland County Alien Space Search Center, “well, up there really and we aim to find it.”

Located atop Carpenter’s Knob, the highest point in rural Cleveland County, the ASS Center is often filled by exited young interns hungering for new experiences. Human/Alien Resource Manager Awesome Hudson has been impressed with the quality of the interns. “They do a good job. Most of them volunteered, but we had to promise free candy to a few and a couple think they’re here to help look for my puppy.”

Jimmy Fred Hudson is also the owner of Jimmy Fred Hudson’s Organic Brown Eggs, the county’s 163rd largest employer. He had hoped to use the business model of the egg plant, which employs only illegal Mexican immigrants. Hudson said he doesn’t speak Spanish and feels that aliens don’t either which brought about the change in hiring policy.

He says the center hopes to hire as many as five employees by year’s end. “We’ll need a couple to work the telescope, one IT guy to send emails into space, a janitor and somebody to run the canteen. We’ll also need a temp in winter to sweep the snow off the satellite dish.”

There are future plans for more earthbound ventures, including a museum dedicated to history of “Knobby,” a Bigfoot type creature often spotted in the area. Also in the works are black panther safaris, led by Jimmy’s son Random Hudson, who said, “North Carolina is second to Indiana in black panther sightings and we want to be number one. Plus, it’ll be fun for kids.