Top ten reasons I didn’t vote for John McCain

10. New CBS Fall Shows Matlock, Barnaby Jones, Mannix, and of course, “McCain”
McCain even looks like my grandfather, and this is what I had to watch as a child. Seniors love to watch other seniors on television. That’s why Tom Brokaw is allowed to live.

9. Can you say “Cactus Christmas Tree?”
It would like a surreal Corona commercial. Lighted cactus in the White House, drunk white people singing along with Toby Keith’s version of “All White Christmas” and McCain trying desperately to get his little arms to reach that page’s ass.

8. Would create cabinet post for AARP
The nation’s most powerful lobbying group would move to the big house. All electronic devices – except pacemakers –would be outlawed and burned. Why does always involve burning? Oh yeah...smashing is bad for arthritis and someone could fall and break a hip.

7. Might crash Air Force One too
Sorry, but this one is fact-based. It was McCain’s fifth jet crash that got him into that POW camp. At least that’s what the “one” anti-McCain e-mail I received during the campaign said.

6. New reality series, “Survivor – Iraq”
Suit up Jeff Probst, you just got drafted. The new show takes 30 American civilians and drops them outside the Green Zone in downtown Baghdad. Everyone who survives gets a two-year tour of duty, but the winner gets to go in as a lieutenant. This show is sponsored by the NRA the American Orthotic & Prosthetic Association and the National Association of High School Guidance Counselors.

5. In order to finally stop the Road Runner, would award defense contract to Acme
We all know what happens to people who spend too much time in the desert. John E. McCain – Super Genius and world-renowned chaser of Road Runner tail will no longer be thwarted in his quest. THIS JUST IN: Dick Cheney is now Chairman of the Board at Acme, Inc.

4. Cost of upkeep on robot wife
The “Cindy” model from the original Stepford Wives Collection is a classic, but the wear and tear is showing on this one. The finest German engineers will be called in to do the upgrade, which includes strategically placed Japanese motors (you’ll barely know she’s running) and a flip-top head (now with flesh-colored zipper) for solar recharging. All humanitarian aid to foreign countries will be cut immediately to pay for Cindy’s “makeover.”

3. Might mistake “the button” for “easy button”
I’ll go back to Hillary’s 3 a.m. campaign ad for this one. McCain could possibly push anything if someone woke him up at 3 a.m., and old people are easily influenced by television. Had he won, the White House Secret Service detail had already receieved a list of things McCain was not allowed to watch, including; “War of the Worlds”, “Red Dawn” “Armageddon” and “Harvey.”

2. Sarah Palin
The hottest of mavericks is banished once again to the frigid Alaskan tundra. C’mon GOP. 2012! 2012! At least let her run for president of the NRA. Can you imagine the increase in “pump” shotgun sales?

1. BARACK OBAMA!!!